I've Come To A Realization
I think there's a certain feeling that comes along with realization after having some time to think the past through. For me, this feeling gives me a sense of pleasure, closure, and a way to move on rather than dwelling on those past feelings. I had one of these realizations, or "duh" moments the other night as I was quickly awoken by my thoughts at 2am.
You know that feeling of waking up one morning, and every feeling or opinion you once had about someone is suddenly... gone? And finally! You can live again! This feeling just comes as human nature. And that's what I found was my problem. We have to realize that no matter how hard you may try, the feelings you feel now won't be the same in a year, whether that be good or bad. You won't feel this happiness again, but perhaps a different kind. You won't feel this heart broken again, but perhaps experience an even more broken heart. I'll admit, there are days that I crave to feel what once was, and days I'd kill to go back to that one point in my life. I think the only reason I'd go back in time would be to feel that feeling again. Not to change things, just to be in the heart of the moment one more time. Because I know that I'll never feel that exact happiness or heart break again. The next time it happens, it'll be a different kind.
The future on the other hand scares me as much as it does the next person. People and situations come as a surprise to either benefit us or create that breaking point. We never see it coming. But, I feel like there are certain situations that I long to both avoid and hope for. I don't look forward to my first real heart break, but I do look forward to healing and finding "my person". I'm scared to fall completely in love, and sometimes I worry that my heart is capable of holding onto too much hope. I'm overjoyed at the thought of college and meeting new souls, but dang will actually being on my own give me a slap in the face. I can't wait to graduate college and settle down with a job, but it terrifies me not knowing where exactly I'll be; far away from my loved ones or minutes away for a movie and game night. Of course I'm scared for the day that I start paying rent, and buy my first car. Or the day I go grocery shopping alone and have to decide how long to put the leftovers in the microwave for because my mom and grandma won't be there to tell me. I don't look forward to my first flat tire in the middle of the highway or receiving a heart breaking phone call with terrifying information. Now, maybe some of these things won't happen. There are so many firsts that I have yet to experience - some known, while others remain a surprise. But that's just the thing - these situations are scary because we know they happen, and we know that they will be firsts. So maybe the best way to approach them is to go in with open arms, take every chance to love, and every situation to learn. It's worth a shot, eh?
Soon enough these firsts will become feelings and lessons in the past.